Be Careful What You Script For.

I’m working on a major motion picture these days, hence, the lack of updates. While the 13-hour days are proving to be taxing to my small, sexy frame, I am really enjoying myself. My mistakes have been minimal up to this point, and while I look forward to never making any, I know that my position as a production assistant will afford me too many opportunities to make mistakes that the mathematics will force my errors.

Okay, it wasn’t fair to blame mathematics just there. I’m also clumsy, forgetful, and terrified of working on a major motion picture. Those components are more likely to cause mistakes than would good ol’ arithmetic. But it’s comforting and, more importantly, American (oh god, this link is friggin' awesome), to blame what I don’t understand.

But I’m learning about what it means to work production on a movie. Those who know me know my interest is in writing, specifically for television. So, working in production is completely not the right track for me to be on. But I’m on a major motion picture and learning something new every day. People talk about how great the crew is on a production, and it’s absolutely true.

If I ever sell a script or something that I write goes into actual production, here’s a quick and dirty idea of what happens:

Departments are formed to break down my script.

Transportation works out how to get the stars and sets to the Locations that are scouted for during pre-production, where the producers and directors pour over every inch of the script, tightening it and storyboarding all of the action sequences. Costumers dress every character for every scene in the movie. There are music meetings and clearance meetings and lunches, oh god, the lunches.

I am just a simple production assistant. For those who don’t know or didn’t care before, a production assistant literally assists everyone and everything involved/involving the production. If the assistant to the directors needs a new shoelace, I go pick one up. If somebody needs me to take some boots down to props at the end of the lot, I jog it down.

One key adjustment I have had to make is recognizing that I’m no longer a part of the creative process. Just last week I was working for one of the production companies involved with the movie and I gave notes on script revisions and ideas for improvement. I knew about a lot of the movie from an overall standpoint, and now I am in a focused, closed-off environment, where the information flow is restricted to a “need-to-know” basis. It’s been an odd adjustment.

This is every bit the office environment. I don’t know who I am yet. I’m hoping I’m not Ryan. His deadpans are far better than mine.

If you’re not watching The Office on NBC, then you are guilty of being anhedonic.

Ironic Heart Attacks.

This guy that VP Cheney shot had a heart attack of all things. What timing. I should think that a VP shooting a man trumps a POTUS getting a blow job. I should stop thinking that, though, because it is wrong to think that. Or so these guys with badges and sunglasses tell me.

I heard the creepy neighbor guy with the mail-order bride speak for the very first time the other day. He sounds like a hoity-toity white guy. He looks like trailer trash, but he speaks like he’s a stuffy Thurston W. Pennington or some shit like that. Or like when Dave Chappelle was Lil Jon and he had that Barbara Walters-type interview, and when he wasn’t saying “Yeah” or “Okay,” he sounded like a well-spoken rich white bastard. Quite the juxtaposition. Maybe the intellectual reasons for Bought Bride’s attraction to him becomes a little more clear?

....

So, about this event you humans call Valentine’s Day…

I didn’t do anything special for anyone today. Everybody who matters knows I love them. I, in turn, received no special attention, because everybody to whom I matter knows that I know that they have strong, though just short of love, feelings for me, too. I have nothing against Valentine’s Day. There is nothing wrong with setting aside a day where you make it a point to let those you care about know that you love them. What’s wrong with that? Sometimes we take people and situations for granted, and if it takes marking a day on our calendars to shake us from our semi-narcissism, then I’m all for it.

Today’s not a day for single people to get down in the dumps about not having someone to share it with. It’s a good day for reflection, taking stock of those people who matter most to you. Who are the fringe friends, the good friends, the best friends? Yeah, it’d be great if we had someone to hang out with, make dinner for, get a gift from, complimented by and go down on, but just because we’re intimately alone doesn’t mean we’re alone in this world.

Something I noticed, too, about today involved my relationship with women. When I pursue and am rejected by them, the tagline will always be, “You’re such a nice guy.” When I pursue and date them, the tagline will always be, “You’re such an asshole.” While I choose to take both sentiments with a grain of salt, I note that the consistency of these rejoinders in their respective context can only mean the following:

• I am not enough of an asshole for the women who reject me.
• I am more of an asshole than my girlfriends could have possibly imagined.
  

That’s as far as my thoughts progressed, so I will have to meditate on these bullet points tomorrow over a crappy screenplay I’ll no doubt be reading.

Rub-a-dub-dub.

I don’t know my neighbors practically at all. There is a married couple across the way. A couple of guys also across the way. Some obnoxious, useless foreign girls not too far across the way. And, a girl who lives with her mother and grandmother and runs from her car to her apartment every time she parks. Just straight sprints back to her apartment. I don’t know why. She just does.

And then there’s the Chester the Molester-looking guy and his Korean girlfriend who live right above me. Well, actually, the possibly lesbian teachers live above me, but directly above our apartment bathroom is the bathroom of Chester and KoreaGirl. How do I know this? Because crazy motherfucker abuses the hell out of that woman. My roommates have called the cops on him before. He just looks like the devil’s inside him, devouring from the inside out. His skin is all droopy, he’s bald, and his teeth are all messed up. I’d guess a reformed meth-head, but methinks he's so scary-looking that the word reformed has filed a restraining order against him.

The part of interest involves this Korean girl. I’ve never heard her speak, even when I brought back a hamster she dropped on the way upstairs. She just bowed politely. We speculate that she’s one of those mail-order deals. The extra odd part in all this? She bathes him. It’s very easy to hear them while taking a piss or brushing your teeth in our bathroom. You should come visit. It’s very unsettling to hear a grown man audibly groan and sigh as his Korean mail order bride bathes him. Is that a cultural thing? I mean, is that really a thing women do for men in other countries? I have no idea.

A Not-So Special Feature.

Because my job consumes approximately 50% of my day, fresh ideas have evaporated for me. Such is the fragility of my imagination, creativity and/or originality. Therefore, I will be posting snippets of my senior thesis for the next week or so. I haven’t looked at this thing since I presented it all the way back in December of 2002. So, um, enjoy?

From the Introduction:

“You are about to read my recorded observations of O'Kearney's Fun House. The club itself will be described in detail in the pages that follow. This introduction is intended to outline the philosophy behind my research project.

My goals were to explore the interrelationship of nonverbal communications and friendships, specifically how nonverbal behavior directed towards an outside party impacted the friendship. I was, and still am, intrigued by this concept of friends influencing each other in courtship rituals…

In order to get the best perspective on the complexities of nonverbal behaviors, I let ethnomethodology be my guide for this study. John Van Maanen, a fellow ethnographer, writes, "When used as a method, ethnography typically refers to fieldwork (alternatively, participant-observation) conducted by a single investigator
who 'lives with and lives like' those who are studied..." (The Social Science Encyclopedia, 2nd Ed., 263-265).”


Later…


“People continued to approach O’Kearney’s from all sides of the street. Some walked up from the east, others from the north parking lot. Others emerged from taxicabs that pulled up in front of the place. They all approached with smiles and confidence, like they were coming home or some place familiar to them. Trepidation only resided within the heart of the observer standing in line, attempting to gain entry into the Funhouse. I became overwhelmed at the sight of so many people whose energy felt boundless and whose physical appearances were geared towards impressing other people. I could not help but feel like an outsider. I did not choose to come to O’Kearney’s dressed to impress, therefore, I worried about standing out in an unflattering sort of way. Would people staring at me because of the clothes I wore hamper my observations of this club and its patronage? I had opted to wear jeans and tennis shoes with a plaid collared shirt underneath a tan denim coat (for those who might be curious).

Once I had reached the front of the line and passed through the door, I became concerned that I had violated the dress code, because the bouncer stared at me while I handed him my driver’s license. The tall, lanky, pony-tailed man, whose most memorable facial feature was his nose, shined a flashlight underneath my license to look for the reflective coding to insure that it was not a fake. From the other side of the doorway, another bouncer commented, “Yeah, check that f*cker’s ID.” My clothes were not at issue. My age was. More importantly, the bouncers implied that I was attempting to enter O’Kearney’s with a fake ID. With my card inspected carefully and my appearance scrutinized, the bouncer finally let me pass into the bar with a “Here you go,” as he handed back my driver’s license. My entire body relaxed as I moved across the green carpeting towards the dance floor—I was finally inside O’Kearney’s.”

Will Bryan pull a phone number? Will his observations be socially relevant?...

Are they ever?

Less Dramatic, More Cinematic.

I’ve calmed down a lot in my old age. 24 hours later and I feel fine. The trivial bitching of yesterday has fallen away and the anger has subsided. What the hell was I complaining about in the first place? There are literally millions of people in worse situations than I. My cadre of friends and personal confidants definitely kicked my ass into the right frame of mind. I’m going to enjoy the experience (and paycheck) while I can. If the gig lasts more than four months, so be it. In the event that it doesn’t, I am confident it will lead to something else and something better. Plus, the job is insanely easy. It’s like being Lil Jon at a “What?” saying contest. Piece. Of. Cake.

…

If you’re not watching ABC’s "Boston Legal," then you are missing great television. I am not a TV critic, but I am a none-too-subtle fan of the medium and my professional aspirations have more than a little to do with it as well. All that being said, if you’re looking for great comedy intermixed with some drama, current events, and a very easy hour of entertainment to get into, check it out. Tuesdays at 10PM on ABC.

Oh, and James Spader + William Shatner = Crazy Delicious.

…

And because I haven’t seen much on the topic, I’m going to put it out there: The Simpsons vs. Family Guy behind-the-scenes war needs to get more press. These guys do not like each other. It’s like Marino v. Elway. They’re both great at what they do, but they don’t like other people stepping onto their turf. I’d say in terms of quality, Family Guy has lapped The Simpsons thrice over in the past few years. Economically, The Simpsons is the most profitable television license in the history of show licensing. It has made FOX billions of dollars. Not even "Star Trek" can claim that. Family Guy, though… man, it’s only a matter of time before I can get a Peter Griffin refrigerator, a Stewie-shaped cookie jar, or buy a girlfriend a vibrator that looks like the Evil Monkey in Chris’s closet. Go product tie-ins!

…

Arrested Development ends its amazing three-year run THIS FRIDAY!!! That’s right: THIS FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10th! From 8-10PM, the Fox Network will burn off its four remaining episodes of AD opposite the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics. Believe me when I tell you that in the Opening Ceremony, the participating countries will be introduced and the torch will be lit to signal the start of the games. Meanwhile, none of us have any fucking clue what’s going to happen to the Bluth’s in the final four episodes of the series. I would not remain optimistic of its return next season (either to Showtime or ABC) simply because a lot of the staff has moved on and it’s going to be too expensive of a show to make. Also, Mitch Hurwitz might want to stick to network TV where he can so very easily make millions and millions of dollars with a hit show.

By the way, Jason Bateman was the guest star of a third season episode of Knight Rider entitled “Lost Knight.” He plays a young boy who finds K.I.T.T. wondering up in the hills when an electrical surge wipes his memory. Together, Young Jason Bateman and K.I.T.T. put a crimp in the plans of some criminals hoping to blow up a damn, reuniting with Michael just in time to capture the goons. Bateman’s acting choices, his rhythm and cadence have not changed at all. His voice was a little higher and a little scratchier, but he still delivered his lines with the same head tilt, the same pauses and types of inflection. Hilarious to watch and a neat little time capsule. Of course, Jason Bateman is probably as big a fan of Knight Rider as I, so he is no doubt proud of the work he did at the age of 12 or 14. If they do happen to keep AD around, they should reference this Knight Rider appearance somehow. Wow. I just sounded like a serious internet guy with that statement. So, to clarify... Naw, I'm just kidding. You did good work, J-Bate, but I am a big dork. You don't like the show.

But before Friday’s Arrested Development finale, everybody reading this (all nine of you – I’m being optimistic, too) must watch The Office on NBC (Thursday, 9:30pm). The show gets better with each episode, and if you don’t like Steve Carrell then you don’t like comedy.

Until next blog…

New Guy's New Job.

Ah, the fly in the ointment. The chink in the armor. The gray clouds obscuring the silver lining. Cubic zirconia. It's tough when you plan for something, only to arrive at your new job and get something completely different.

Not that I didn't see it coming, mind you, but my new job has none of the luster, excitement or promise like the job I actually interviewed for a week ago. P.A. jobs are what they are. To be one on a major motion picture would be something I've never done and in line with the career path I want to be on. Granted, writer's write, and to be a professional writer I don't need to have an entertainment job, but I get so juiced around a production that if I can't be in a writer's room, then I should definitely aim for the next attainable position -- somewhere on the production side.

But now I'm in a bit of a bind, as I am not going to be a production assistant but, instead, a producer's assistant. No errand runs or coffee brewing for the stars. Instead, it's reading horrible, atrocious, practically non-language scripts, answer phones and set up conference calls for meetings about scripts that maybe might someday get made into movies.

And I get to watch a dog. Not walk him. Just watch him because he's new from the pound. Still, a paid step-up from picking up dry cleaning.

My dilemma revolves around the following question: Do I try to get out of this?

The production coordinator who hired me is currently under the impression that, in two weeks' time, I will be hers to command. Reality is, one of the producers (to whom I am incredibly indebted for pushing the production coordinator to give me the job in the first place) will basically hijack me from the production. I presume that is the condition of my hire for the producer but, no offense to him or anyone in their great office, I want to be with the production staff.

I don't have a professional mentor to consult in this matter and the last thing I want is to burn bridges.

The pros are huge: relative job security; a fucking paycheck; a super-relaxed working environment; behind-the-scenes of feature filmmaking.

The cons: Not working on a production; not being free to move from the film to another production (in TV); further time spent in film when I want TV; lower pay; longer hours; ultimately, less-fulfilling work, since I will be, for all intents and purposes, the Donna Moss to someone else's Josh Lyman.

I don't have a solid plan because my situation is tenuous. I can't get someone to take my place in the office (because then they'd have to work for free) and I can't refuse to work or even quit because I really do need the work... I could always suck it up for four months, until the movie's over, and see what happens.

If I sound like a spoiled brat not getting his way, it's because I am beginning to feel like I need forward momentum in my life. I'm a stagnant 25-year old, and settling seems like a dangerous precedent to set for myself. Answering phones and reading scripts doesn't quite have the draw of a film set's hectic pace.

So, to those who might see this, a penny for your thoughts? I am in need of the wisdom of others, since I have already reached the threshold of my experience.

****
Dateline: 2 hours later.

Having had time to consider my post, I would like to comment and say that this was nothing more than a venting exercise. It would be stupid of me to not see this as an equally strong opportunity to advance up the chain. It's not exactly what I thought it would be, but very little in life ever is (unless you actually saw Into the Blue -- you just knew that one was gonna blow hard).

So, I rescind the request for advice. But, as always, thoughtful or flat-out hilarious comments are appreciated.

O, The Weekends You'll Have.

This weekend, in an effort to conserve money and energy, I slept a lot. An awful lot. I’m embarrassed to say exactly how long I slept on Saturday and Sunday, so let’s just say that it was, again, an awful lot. Sinful amount.

I woke up in time to go to my roommate’s 30th Birthday party. It was cool, but a little strange at the same time. I was obviously the youngest person there. I got back just in time to watch Steve Martin host "Saturday Night Live."

I really should have stayed at the party. Better yet, I never should have woke up.

What an awful piece of poppycock. Although, Prince did rock the shit.

...

I woke up on Sunday just in time for the Super Bowl (that is only a mild exaggeration – I did get some cleaning done). You can read my thoughts on the Super Bowl here.

And, finally, I am employed. More details to follow as I experience interesting moments in my new job.

My Weird Dream-Free Weekend.

Perhaps the fallout of sleeping so much is that I didn’t have any vivid dreams. The only thing I can remember is seeing Amanda Peet, Matthew Perry and Steven Weber all getting phone calls from their agents telling them they’ve just been cast in the new Aaron Sorkin project, currently known as "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip." Why I dream in about other people in a very classic film-structured, round-up sequence is beyond me. But it does lend credence to those of you out there who think I’m bizarre and just a generally weird person. A lot of credence my dreams do lend to that notion.

The Idea of You.

I’ve always considered temp agencies to be the last refuge of a desperate person. The degree to which I need a job is quite staggering, so it should come as no surprise to those who know me that I am, indeed, a desperate person.

Today, I went to my second such agency. As with the first, I was completely honest. No, I don’t want to do anything in sales. Yes, I can type fast. Yes, I have girth where it counts. But after I saw my scores for the personality and skills-related tests I sat through, I realized that successful people just answer to the test. In other words, why be truthful when you can be right?

If a question smells like it’s designed to gauge your responsibility, then you are the biggest overachiever this side of Lisa Simpson. When I was little, I’d give answers I figured authority and parents would want to hear. I am only now beginning to understand that very little has changed now that I am an adult. So, the question becomes, are people successful because they’re good or because they do what other people want?

And during the three and a half hours I was at the temp agency, I thought about how I don’t want to be the guy who just gives the correct answer and gets the extra points. I want to be the other guy – the one who makes up the test. Then I considered that the test maker was The Man, and I decided against wanting to be the testmaker because I don’t want to be The Man. These thoughts are pointless, though. I’m jobless. This is why people stay jobless for most of their lives: they can’t even follow the simplest of rules or jump through even the tiniest of hoops.

Considering that I’ve always felt the world was designed for and around me, today was a great reminder that it is, surprisingly, not. I’ve got to work with it, not against it. So, from now on, I will be a master of the Microsoft Office Suite, I will not think outside the box, I will be a master at data entry and I will always seek out the bottom line. For my company. The bottom line for the company that signs my check. Because we’re only supposed to work for a paycheck.

…

In ex-girlfriend news: Rasika Mathur begins her second season on Nick Cannon Presents Wild N’Out tonight (Thursday) at 10PM on MTV. Her guest stint on the forthcoming FOX sitcom Free Ride will be the third week of March, so check your local listings for that.

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Knight Rider: The Movie is officially in turnaround. I am saddened by this news, but bolstered by Tuesday’s release of Knight Rider: Season 3 on DVD. So, so awesome. K.I.T.T. is destroyed in the season premiere, and watching it the other day caused in me the exact same reaction that I had when I watched it for the very first time 17 years ago. Geez… 17 years… When the day comes that I am well-represented and I have some credits to my name, I would love nothing more than to write the Knight Rider movie. To swoop in and save the project… every fanboy’s dream come true.

My Weird Dream-Free Dream.

I feel like I should put something down here. I don’t remember last night’s dream(s). Generally, though, I will say that I dream in color. My dreams usually feature people I don’t know personally. My dreams feel scripted. They have a certain theatricality about them. And, finally, they are often as vivid and strange as the previous posts would indicate, but I’d venture to guess most people’s are like that since, you know, dreams are strange.

Finally, leave me a comment. I would love to hear what y’all think about the blog. Think it needs a new direction? Want to know less about me? Interested in my relationship with my dentist? Let me know.