Running for More Yardage.

Hooray 49ers! Way to kick the Seahawks’ asses in that second half! My Niners are becoming quite the second half team. They’re still a couple of years away from seriously contending, but they might actually be making progress now that they can compete a little bit on the road. And God Bless Frank Gore. He was gifted with football talents, but not speaking skills.

Meanwhile, I am writing this with some possibly rancid cake in my stomach, so, watch out for possible signs of hallucination. Don’t call in a medical emergency or anything, but just be aware that the writing might suffer… or succeed…?

Anyway, this short will be a five-part series. Here’s part two.

THE NIGHT THEY KILLED KANSAS
- part two -

Beldon Sew saw what he wanted to see, but in this case his attempt to see a naked sophomore with an undiagnosed melanin deficiency on his bed was futile.

Veiny Boobs was gone and there was nothing he could do to bring her back.

Clearly, when a woman smacks the side of her head against a hardwood floor she loses the desire to get down with some friction, but Beldon couldn’t ignore his id’s opinion that she had overreacted. Accidents happen, but Natalie was not having any of him after she got a headache.

And he was so close to losing his virginity, too. And to a sophomore who had decided slumming it up was worth the possible ridicule she might endure from her classmates. What would her stoner friend Hydra think? What about her guy friend Chadwick, the guy he had seen her leave with at the food court?

Then Beldon considered the possibility that his chica blanca might have been cheating on a boyfriend. When she hit her head, she might have literally had some sense knocked into her. And as Beldon rubbed his hard-on, he thought about how used he would have felt to be just some random dude some chick cheated on her boyfriend with. He’d much rather he be used when both he and the girl in question were single, so as to create the possibility of future hook-ups. Also, losing his virginity on a one-night stand was, in his mind, a hallmark of useless people.

So, with the evening still in its infancy, Beldon ceased to fondle himself and contemplated his next move. There was always the basketball game. The Jayhawks were in town tonight and he knew he could always score a ticket in the student section, thanks to his friend Miranda who worked in the ticket office. But if he went to the basketball game, he knew his night would end in violent frustration.

In just a few months of college, he had already been to a dozen parties where virtually every person in his traveling group left with somebody else. He would either be the designated driver for these alcohol-aided winners or walk home a substance-free loser. His pride could not stand such crushing disappointment again, particularly after he had been so close to having sex for the first time not fifteen minutes earlier.

His other option was a LAN party held at his high school buddy Cole’s parents’ house. But Beldon didn’t want to play Warcraft, and for some reason, he was finding the name Cole to be exceedingly irksome tonight. Possibly because it’s a cool name held by a nerd bigger than himself. Beldon was a perfectly nerdy name and it never caused people to assume he was cool initially. Cole gets the benefit of the doubt but can’t help but annihilate that opinion soon after by asking people if they want to have a Battlestar Galactica marathon or something. But the first impression he caused people to have was that he was cool, whereas Beldon couldn’t escape the nerd label.

Now he could add loser to a growing list of labels. Some of his English 201 peeps called him “Weirdo,” the woman at the lunch counter called him “grabby” and the admissions officer who interviewed him over the telephone labeled him “aggressive.” Had he not been an aggressively grabby weirdo coming into tonight, he might have escaped being called a loser and he might have gotten his sex on, too.

Very quickly, Beldon was swinging back in favor of the LAN party. He had made himself depressed after analyzing his situation. When he found a strand of Natalie’s long brown hair on his pillow, he knew that 12 consecutive hours of living in a virtual world would be the only anesthesia to take away this pain he was feeling.

He hopped off the bed and looked for his lucky hat. The last time he wore it he had kicked Cole’s faux cool ass back to the Stone Age in Half Life. Tonight, he would make him cry. But when Bolden found his lucky cap on the floor next to his television, he realized that her purse wasn’t the only thing Natalie had taken with her when she left.

As he put on his Orioles' cap backwards, he remembered that she had brought a digital camera with her. He had intended to ask her about it, but when he caught a glimpse of her thong, his mind turned to lust. But, yeah, there had been a camera on top of the TV next to her purse, and that’s how is hat must have ended up on the floor.

Did that mean she had recorded their encounter? Why?

Desperate to have these answers, he jumped in front of his computer and Googled her name. The search criteria pulled up over 7,900 entries, so, he changed the search to include the name Hydra. He pressed enter.

And then he saw what the night was really all about.

Natalie and Hydra had recently won a case in small claims court against a gay porn website that had laid claim to the domain name www.virgincollegeboys.com. But according to the website’s Legal Notice link, Natalie and Hydra’s company Girl Entrepreneurs, LLC was the first to submit a bid to the web squatter who had initially registered the domain. Their legal link went on to say that the website was now able to produce weekly content for its paying customers. A click on the homepage revealed Veiny Boobs’ intentions: she somehow knew Beldon was a virgin and planned to record his first time to post on her website.

But even though Beldon should have been relieved that he and Natalie never copulated, he knew that his first, awkward fuck could not top what Natalie’s camera had actually recorded after she hit her head.