Making the Most of Puke.

The San Francisco Giants have had an "eventful" off-season. After assuring their fanbase that they would be focusing on younger, healthier players to fill out their 2007 roster, they've instead signed three injury-prone, 32+ year old players, and a fat, slow defensively-challenged catcher to boot. They've let their star pitcher of the past 5 seasons go to their most hated rival, and now they're involved with players so bad, so puke-inducing, that I dare not mention them on this blog, as the blog itself has a weak stomach.

So, instead of criticizing the signings, I'm going to criticize the guy pulling the trigger on the deals: Giants' GM Brian Sabean. This guy doesn't get enough shit thrown his way. He works for a California team with a laid back fanbase. These fans back management 100%. Well, frak that. Douchey McGee has gotten off way too easy.

So, without any context for those who don't know who Brian Sabean is, here are some fun facts I've fabricated to slam this guy who needs to be fired:

* Brian Sabean sees straight through talent: he knows it's only covering youth. And Sabean destroys youth.

* Brian Sabean was the first citizen charged with elderly abuse.

* Brian Sabean would let women and children die in a fire for not having enough grit and veteran savvy.

* Brian Sabean eats babies for breakfast.

* Brian Sabean's hair turned white after a night of pure ecstasy, wherein he actually swam in a pool of veteran savvy.

* Brian Sabean overpays for value meals.

* When Brian Sabean went car shopping, he dismissed every model under 30 years old.

* Brian Sabean once considered hiring pedophiles to scare young players away from the Giants, but thought better of it when he realized that the pedophiles wouldn't ask for double their market value.

* In 2010, Sabean will trade his wife, his newborn child and his French bulldog, Gritty to the White Sox for A.J. Pierzynski, not because he needs a catcher around the house, but because his wife will have maximized her potential, his baby will have developed arm problems and his dog would be too much of an unknown quantity, save for his name.

* To relax, Brian Sabean sometimes walks across the street at the end of the day to kick the tires of an SUV he has been admiring from afar. That SUV's name? You guessed it: Michael Tucker.

* Brian Sabean once mistook Marvin Benard for Willie Mays.

* Brian Sabean once fell asleep in the middle of a romantic comedy called Vlad the Heartbreaker. He's never gone back to finish it.

* Brian Sabean thought the original Star Wars was overrated and instead saw The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training 37 times that summer. He then signed the film's star, William Devane, to a 4-year, $46 million dollar contract.

Another season without a World Series.