Googling Is Such Sweet Sorrow.

I really screwed the pooch on this one. Yesterday, for the first time ever, someone found my blog via a Google search. I’ve had my site updated on Google for over a month and this is the first time that’s happened. What did this mystery surfer find upon visiting my blog? A pointless, brief post about some study about tall people being smarter than short people. What if Mystery Surfer had been short? I just ruined his/her day. What if Mystery Surfer had been tall? Now I’ve just gone and pissed off the tall segment of my small readership.

That said, even if I had been on my game yesterday, I doubt I would have been able to hook in Mystery Surfer. There just aren’t many topics of discussion that interest me right now. I am working on dueling projects (a pitch and a pilot) and attempting to overcome the claustrophobic, lethargy-inducing experience of work day in and day out. The only thing I could possibly think to write about is Ryan Seacrest.

A better man could rouse to action a fiery bunch of malcontents keen to oust Ryan Seacrest from his morning radio spot and current stature in the zeitgeist. Me? I can only think to start a website called fireryanseacrest.com.

On this site I’d do recaps of segments of his radio show, belittling the self-proclaimed metrosexual for his irrelevance, capriciousness, passive aggression and flat out bitchiness.

This morning, for instance, Mr. Seacrest and the desiccated remains of gossip hound Ellen K discussed a “news item” wherein Kevin Federline guested on CSI the other day. He was approached by a friend of Zombie Ellen who put out her hand to introduce herself to him. One of K-Fed’s handlers told her, “Uh, he’s Kevin Federline. He doesn’t do that.” So, Ryan and Ellen chuckled at the notion that Kevin Federline thinks he’s an elite star who doesn’t need to formally introduce himself. Ryan Seacrest cited Tom Hanks as someone who doesn’t have to introduce himself. David Spade might have to from time to time, though. And then -- here’s the kicker – he said, “Well, there’s one celebrity who might have to introduce himself.” Ellen: “Who’s that?” Ryan: “Brian Dunkelmann. Who’s that guy?” And then slam into commercials.

Who is Brian Dunkelmann and why should we care? Oh, we absolutely should not care at all, but Brian Dunkelmann was the American Idol co-host in its first season. Essentially, Ryan Seacrest won the solo hosting gig by default: Dunkelmann walked away. Now that guy lives in relative obscurity while Ryan Seacrest attains fame and fortune for no other reason than that he showed up for work.

To be clear: Seacrest’s fame doesn’t bother me so much, it’s his cattiness that does. Why would you take a cheap shot at Dunkelmann, Asscrest? Because you can? That’s real classy.

I hate the idea that people who move out to LA turn on KIIS FM and listen to this guy and think this is what LA is like. In truth, Asscrest perfectly reflects trendy, vapid, hollow, feckless, pussy LA people to a T, but that doesn’t mean that I or anyone else must accept this doosh and what he stands for. And what does he stand for? Following the crowd. Going with the flow. Doing what everybody else does. Being hip. Being cool. What’s the new flavor that everyone’s getting at Starbucks? Who are you wearing? Where did you get your ass waxed?

I realize that writing about this yesterday probably would have scared off Mystery Surfer. Still, I feel like I didn’t put my best foot forward. So, if you happen to come to this blog again, Google-Referred Web Surfer, perhaps you will find this rant of a post more to your liking, or at least pique your interest enough to check out past writings. You can read my Snakes on a Plane review. Or you can read about one of my freakishly vivid dreams here, here, here and here.

I doubt I will start fireryanseacrest.com any time soon. If someone else wishes to try it, just remember that I came up with the idea first, and I’ll at least want to be one of the site editors.

Edited to add: A Google search of the phrase "fire ryan seacrest" turned up a whopping 9 results. 9!!!