My Weird "The Aristocrats"-related Dream.

Thanks to Fuston.

Penn Jillette has assembled every comic from around the country to join him for a surprise presentation. Somehow, I am invited to come with people like Bill Murray, Bill Maher, Billy Crystal… maybe some other comedic Bills, but I can’t recall because, you know, it’s a dream. Even David Brenner’s there, which is odd because I don’t find David Brenner at all amusing. I surmise in my dream state that he’s there for the free food and for a walk-on part in my subconscious. Which, actually, is a little cool. For him.

Anyway, It turns out Penn Jillette is now schilling for Burger King. He unveils for we comedy geniuses (Hey, I’m there, might as well go with the flow) a new ad campaign for the burger chain, where he’s comedically describing why BK is better than other burger joints. Apparently, they deep fry and “bag” their fries, which (according to commercial Penn) is a burger industry term for making waffle fries. I don’t recall ever eating waffle fries at Burger King, so I assume that this bit of information is a result of me being in a dream. So, the presentation ends and Penn finally reveals that BK has formed another 9/11 Foundation and they want the assembled comics to promote said foundation on behalf of Burger King. Everybody seems pretty pissed that they have been asked to sell out. Judy Gold actually scoffed.

Then Penn (that’s awkward) asked Bill Murray to tell the room about a positive experience he had at Burger King. I don’t remember what he said because, you know, it’s a dream, but I do remember thinking that I had to come up with something positive to say about Burger King, because I was two people down from Bill Murray. Peter Venkman couldn’t really say anything positive because he was so pissed he was being asked to sell out some more (I didn’t see Garfield but, come on – that’s low), so Penn just skipped right to me. I knew the vibe of the room was very negative, so I thought I’d earn some of the respect of “my fellow comics” by being the rebel. When asked about a positive experience I had at Burger King, I said the following:

“Once I was asked to give a talk on this very subject. I didn’t know what to say, exactly, because it felt so out of place in my life. You know, I have never enjoyed the particular service this company has to offer, so I could not speak of it positively or negatively. But instead of getting into my car and driving to one of the local branches of this business, I instead decided to take a walk to clear my head and use the fresh air as inspiration. I took a walk through downtown. I observed the grime on the sidewalk, the smudged mascara of a kindly streetwalker,
the desperation of the foreign fellow trying to board the bus with incorrect change. And it so happened that I came across a strip mall that had several businesses, including a restaurant that happened to serve hamburgers. I approached this restaurant, intending to sample the menu so I could give my talk some more detail. But as I walked To the door of the restaurant, I noticed that a cat had defecated in
the parking lot, and I thought that was a very inconsiderate thing to do.”

I do not use drugs. I was not drunk when I fell asleep last night. But this was the dream I had and this is what I said, to 95% accuracy. Suffice it to say, I got a laugh from the other comics and Bill Murray smirked and nodded at me.

What does it mean?