The Simpsons Is Dead, Long Live The Simpsons.

What the hell happened? You used to be the best show on television. You’re the funniest TV show I’ve ever watched. I love your characters. I love the influence you’ve had on our culture. I love that you made FOX a watchable network. I love that you made sitcom writers stars in their own right.

But now I hate what you’ve become.

You’re like a hot wife who has let herself go. And you didn’t even bear a child (spin-offs). Your pointed social commentary and unrivaled style of commentary has regressed to pop culture riffs and cheap puns. ‘Tis a shame.

I tried to watch your season premiere this past Sunday, but I only got through the first 15 minutes. I went into my room during a commercial break and didn’t bother to come back.

Here are 5 episodes, however, that I will always come back for:

1. HOMER THE VIGILANTE
"Lisa, never EVER stop in the middle of a hoedown!"
Homer starts a vigilante group to snuff out the Springfield Cat Burglar. Most people don't remember this episode, but Homer's corrupt group of guys just gets me every time. That scene with the shotguns; "Can you swing a sack of doorknobs?"; the whole Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World ending. I just like this one far too much.


2. HOMER GOES TO COLLEGE
"This bra bomb of yours better work, Nerdlinger."
My first Conan O'Brien ep and the one that I think really stretched the reality of the Simpsons universe with "I don't understand, there wasn't any nuclear material in the truck." Really made Homer stupid, but the fact that he was trying to mimic old college B-movies really made the behavior work for me.


3. HOMER AT THE BAT
"Hey, we know how to play softball!"
I love baseball too much not to put this on the list. And every single beat in this episode was pitch perfect.






4. MARGE VS. THE MONORAIL
"Batman's a scientist." "It's not Batman!"

Classic. The Monorail Song alone.

Is there a chance the track could bend?
Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

**TIE!!!** 5. THE JOY OF SECT & KING-SIZE HOMER
"So the cops knew Internal Affairs was setting them up the whole time?"
"Phew. All this hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a Tab."
In truth, Homer at the Bat nearly bumped King-Size Homer off the list. But I had to put this tie. Both episodes were really whacky but they touched on things that NO TV series tackles that I found them both really original and really funny.

Anything after Season 8 and I’m going to be very suspicious of the show’s quality. Anything currently airing on FOX every Sunday and I’m probably going to not miss skipping it. A shame. A shame indeed.

Still, when that movie comes out, I will foolishly go see it, AND I will maintain my pledge to see it twice in a row.

Thanks for the years of free entertainment, transcendent comedy and inspiration.