Cat Urine Theater.

Strangers with Candy can be seen at a supposedly independent film theater here in Santa Monica. I say supposedly because it’s actually a part of a chain of such theaters. I tend to think that something loses its independence once it’s a part of a larger pool of similar entities, but hey, maybe it’s just semantics. I guess the independent part comes from the films, which are not “mainstream.” But independent films nowadays are independent in the same way that Goths are not conformists. They’re actually just a part of another group with its own rules of conformity.

One such rule of conformity, it seems, is that all “independent theaters” must smell like a litter box. I don’t think Landmark actually uses industrial strength cleaning supplies, but actual cat urine to clean their floors. It was strong. The movie didn’t stink, but the cat pee smell certainly had me thinking otherwise.

This was the second such “independent theater” I’ve been to in my life. The first was in Orinda, when I was stuck in college. I saw the Cider House Rules there. It was a smaller screen (I think they make bigger plasma screens for home use) and theater (McDonald’s has more seats in its Kid Play area) but the kitty piss stench was at least 100 times stronger. That movie actually did stink (moral: ether for some, abortions for all!), so the smell was probably appropriate.

But maybe it’s just a coincidence. Well… wait. Lemme think. I believe the rule of thumb is “Once is a coincidence, twice is a pattern.” And since both trips to an “independent theater” have been marked by the hanging odor of feline spray #1, I can safely say as a warning to you all, “Independent theaters stink like pussy pee.”

******

Damn, I hate the Dodgers. Not as much as I hate the Fraudres, though. I hate San Diego more because I hate San Diegans. They’re obnoxious, ignorant and their broadcasters sound like monkeys reading from scripts written by someone who wrote on Dharma & Greg while under a general anesthetic.

Dodger Stadium’s a great place. But watching the Giants lose at the end of games really makes it a house of horrors for me. I got such a kick out of seeing my team live and in person, but damned if I didn’t want to kick them all in the balls after losing 9-7 when they had the game in hand.

AND THEY ALMOST BLEW IT AGAIN TODAY!

I can’t rant about the Giants. Go to the ESPN.com message board forum for the Giants if you want to read what we all go through rooting for this team from San Francisco. We are all so keenly aware that this team will not win a World Series. Indeed, after 2002, I have accepted the possibility that my team might never win a World Series.

I’m sad.

*****

So, to pick me up, I’ll listen to Bandages by Hot Hot Heat. Because when you’ve had your chest ripped open and your heart yanked out, the best way to heal that nasty flesh wound is with bandages.

*****

THINE OWN SELF. The other day, we met Paul and his best friend, Sandra. I can safely say that I based Paul on a hyper-pathetic version of myself. That is, a version of me who lacked any confidence whatsoever and operated from a place of being too afraid to learn anything. I hope you caught all the on-the-nose dialogue that I felt was necessary to quickly let us know who these characters were. Notice how the scene lacks strong conflict and ends with a lackluster punch. This next part does much of the same.

Enjoy!

INT. LOBBY - NIGHT

Paul stops by the receptionist's desk, where the aforementioned temp, RACHEL DIARS, 23, sits, cleaning up her desk and preparing to leave. She is an extremely attractive young woman.

PAUL
Hi.

She looks up and flashes a fantastic smile.

RACHEL
Hi! Did those files help you out?

PAUL
Uh, yes. Yes, they did. You know
what we always say, "accounts
receivable logs are always
receivable."

Rachel laughs at the obscure accounting joke.

RACHEL
What can I do for you? I was just
about to leave, but if you need
something...?

PAUL
Actually, I was wondering what you
were doing right now? Did you have
specific plans?

RACHEL
Other than TGIF, not really. Why?

PAUL
Would you like to go somewhere...
together, maybe?

RACHEL
I'd love to!

PAUL
Really?

RACHEL
Yes, really.

PAUL
Great. I was hoping we might sit and
talk for awhile. If you want to,
anyway. We can just as easily go
and--

RACHEL
Talking would be just fine.

INT. SCHAB'S THEATER - NIGHT

Paul and Rachel sit in the raggy, one-screen movie theater. The lights have yet to dim.

RACHEL
This has got to be the shittiest
theater I've ever seen.

PAUL
You've got no argument here. But, I
like it. It's got personality.

RACHEL
(a beat)
So, Paul, why did you ask me out?

PAUL
Honestly?

RACHEL
No. Please. Lie.

PAUL
Well, we've been talking a lot
recently, just at work, obviously...
but, I think you're incredibly
attractive and I just wanted to get
to know you.

RACHEL
How sweet of you to think so highly
of me, considering how little we know
about each other.

PAUL
Well, isn't that what dating's all about?
Getting to know other people?

RACHEL
Of course it is.
(a beat)
I have a question for you.

PAUL
Shoot.

RACHEL
Why don't you ever go out to lunch with
us? I know you're invited. I've only
been around for a few weeks, but it's
obvious you want to be left alone. Why?

PAUL
That's not it at all. I don't want to
be left alone.

RACHEL
Then...?

PAUL
I'm just frustrated. People misunder-
stand me all the time. I'd just as soon
avoid that conflict and stay away from
people... as hermit-like as that sounds.

RACHEL
Misunderstand you how?

PAUL
Oh, see now... I don't know if I should
be telling you this. I could ruin a
perfectly good evening.

RACHEL
You can say whatever you want. I pride
myself on being non-judgmental.

Paul thinks for a long while. Finally, he sighs, then speaks.

PAUL
(voice rushed; almost embarrassed)
I believe in God.


RACHEL
So? Me too.

PAUL
I go to church...

RACHEL
That's great.

PAUL
... every Sunday.

RACHEL
Even better. My dad and I used to go
every Sunday when I was little.

PAUL
I don't like drinking; I've always been
taught that it's a frivolous exercise; it
only leads to bad things. I think going to
bars and getting piss-ass drunk every
Friday after work is as pointless as...
as... masturbating.

RACHEL
(a huge smile)
I think masturbating and drinking are
useless, too!

Paul sighs in relief.

PAUL
Glad we got that out of the way. Wow.
You haven't run out on me.

RACHEL
Of course not. Why would I? You have
your convictions and you're sticking to
them. That's great.

PAUL
What if I told you I liked "Star Trek"?

RACHEL
Then I'd say "Live Long and Prosper."

PAUL
Really?

RACHEL
Oh yeah. My dad was a huge Trekkie.
(leans in towards PAUL)
And you know what, you can beam me up
anytime. My hailing frequencies are open.

Paul can't help but smile. Nor can Rachel.

The theater lights slowly dim. They turn to watch the
movie.